I have been very silent on the situation and how it all went down but I need to get this off my chest.
You had me. Lol you fucking had me. Completely in every sense of the word. How do I know? Because I actually changed. I took pride in being cold and unrelenting like a typhoon that you steer clear from but wanted to get closer to to witness the destruction first hand. I took pride in being the guy who could put on any disguise and take what he wants and be gone without a trace. Feeling? I didn’t feel, not fully at least because to me feelings weren’t necessary. They were expendable.
Then you came along…
Then you came along rolling down a fucking hill and all of a sudden I saw a spot of color in my very black & white world. At first I shunned it. Tried to avoid it. But every interaction, every meeting, every one handed hug, every greeting, the more colors I began seeing and suddenly, black & white wasn’t as appealing. Against my better reason I asked you for help. Then you helped me make some big life decisions. Helped me pick out beats for songs in the library and on that day I said “I think I like her” but I was unrelenting. My pride was more valuable to me than anything imaginable and I’d be damned if I put it a side for a pair of thick thighs, a fat ass, great smile and beautiful eyes.
Then came the day of my death. See I planned to only stay an hour or two and now I feel I should have ate my ice cream and left because on that day I accepted it. I accepted the change you were causing. I said to myself “maybe color isn’t so bad ” ya know? Maybe a world full reds yellows and blues, shades of green, deeply saturated, I’m talking many different hues wouldn’t be so bad. And I felt my heart beat for the first time. What they don’t tell you is that when you feel, you have to feel every feeling. And my problem is that I’m an extremist so when I feel, I FEEL. I feel it all. And I felt for you.
Fast forward through the antics, the drunken nights, your unnecessary panicking, the fights and you going back to your ex man again actually… Pause that. Stop the tape. Let’s touch on that. Now I’m not Jesus, but I damn sure ain’t no heathen neither so the fact that you, a woman who can make even the coldest heart catch fevers would run back to a decapitated rat still stuck in his mouse trap leaves me speechless. But I digress. We made a song together. Remember?
Despite our differences we actually got a long together. Remember?
Every scenario we planned it all TOGETHER. REMEMBER??
Or has your memory started to fail you because you started to fail yourself? I watched the downward spiral. I watched as week by week you started to regress back from the butterfly into a cocoon and then now into a regular bug that I often have dreams of crushing.
I mean.. I blame your sister too don’t worry.
Because her life was turning to shit in a hurry she didn’t want to take that ride a lone so instead of letting place you on a throne she framed me, locked me up and chained me, and now your living bored, bitter, alone, and angry and she couldn’t even give a shit…
Could you though?
You had it all! Everything on a silver fucking platter! You are more beautiful than any flower on this earth can boast. You have more talents than you even know what to do with. You are passionate as the great artists and authors of the ages of old. Hell, you had determination! Real determination! A determination that was budding and I did everything I could to protect and nurture that rose. You had two great friends. Both who wanted nothing more than to make you happy and one of which would literally kick down Jesus’s door and drag heaven down to your feet if it meant you’d be happier for just a moment and you knew I would too. You had me for crying out loud.
Mr. ” I’d probably end up marrying you “. Mr. ” Thank you for always being there “
Mr. ” I don’t deserve you “
Mr. ” We would be wonderful together”
And I began to see it. See the sides of you that you tried to hide from everyone else. Why? I’d never know. But I saw it. When nobody else did I saw it. The looks you’d get talking about things you were passionate about. The intensity in your words. Every time with you was like watching a fire dance and suddenly i felt a lot less alone I let my guard fully down and I was all too trusting and THAT IS WHEN I FELL FOR YOUR TRAP!
The invitation I thought was only addressed to me was actually cc’d to other guests and there, there lies the heart of the mess…
So here we are, strangers that probably know each other the best. I hate you. I hate you because I don’t really hate you at all and that makes me hate you because well, my pride took a fatal blow and has decided that me not hating you is not acceptable. So I say it to prevent myself from feeling anymore foolish than I do now. I retired the superman cape and put all the hero stuff down and choose to keep my feet on the ground.
For the record, I was really hurt. Because I “liked you for you” and didn’t want you to be anything else. I was fascinated by you… I completely submerged myself in the ocean that was you and never wanted to breathe another breath of air again. Was that my problem? All this time? Did I mistakenly kiss those scars and play in your hair? Did I accidentally make it too obvious that I care? How dare I tell you my hopes and dreams, my most prized posessions! I mean only an idiot trusts the person he feels is open and honest with him and decides for the first time to be open and honest with them back! OH! Let’s not forget how I wanted YOU and not just your body but I treasured it still, kept it in its proper place and didn’t make scoring a race OH NO! Let’s not forget how I fell for your mind and your passions and the ray of light you walked around every day with that the blind people in your life made you feel embarrassed about! How could I be so stupid to not just make you a “go to” or treat you as a lesser being, a piece of dollar store meat, or a hollow body to just stick my dick in whenever it was convenient and ACTUALLY want something with you that had substance and meaning!
Let not me betray my soul and become a fuck nigga and be arrested for treason by my manhood so for any moment I made you cry, you felt I lied or I made you feel alone I apologize.
Now that it’s all said and done I’m left with…
Hell, I don’t know what I’m left with.
I do know that I am living in a world full of color now.
It’s hard for me. I make a lot of mistakes. I am scared about a lot. I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore.
But I thank you..
I thank you for everything you’ve taught me and are still teaching me. Through this hard time, I’ve learned to grow into my greatness. In making daily mistakes, I’m better prepared for the next day. Being afraid again, having these fears, made me me strive and try harder and to increase my faith in myself and in the world around me. You’ve taken me out of yet another box and I thank you for that.
I’m living in this world of color because of you…
The colors just aren’t as bright anymore.
More children than Palestinian fighters are being killed in Israel’s offensive on Gaza, according to the UN. Shown here are the name, age, and sex of 132 of those children, recorded by the Al Mezan Centre for Human Rights
Stay woke. Never forget that there are deeper issues in the world than you are led to believe.
Batman: The Animated Series Tribute
16 x 24 signed & numbered prints available for $35(USD) @Storenvy